The Dating Talk

“Dating” has been the hot topic among my friends especially since the recent engagement of one, and others finding themselves “available”. What I find most interesting when a group of twenty-something women come together to discuss dating are the different perspectives on this one subject. Obviously, many things should be taken into account such as past experience, spiritual walk, parent’s relationship, movies seen, books read, etc.

At a slumber party this past weekend, my twenty-something friends battled sleepiness as we tried to discuss dating. Whoever looked sleepiest was grilled about their current dating life. Needless to say, I tried hard to look wide awake. We discussed age-range; how old is too old… 30? We also discussed occupation, intellectual compatibility, height differences, you name it. Provocative questions were posed: should we even entertain the idea of going out with a non-believer? Will I ever find “the one”? Ever consider online dating? Dreams about replicating a good model of marital bliss, or nightmares of being left at the altar were shared.

I think the most important thing to analyze is the purpose of dating. I think most people fall under a couple categories. There are those who date to have fun, some date to find their future mate, and others date to find themselves. Depending on the category one falls under, they would have different responses to the questions my friends and I posed.

In Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris promotes the idea of “courtship”. Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman who are actively and intentionally together to consider marriage. He explains that the activities and time spent together has more purpose than mere recreation. The point of the relationship is to consider marriage. In this case, there doesn’t seem to be much room for discoveries, except for each other. This might work for people who know exactly what they are looking for in a mate and are ready for marriage. For someone as inexperienced, this would not be the most ideal situation. How can you determine if someone is “the one” if you don’t even know what you want?

I think the biggest question for Mr. Harris is, “How would we know if we are ready for marriage?” If one dates/courts in pursue of marriage, should they be at a point ready for it so that if all works out, then they do? He also discusses relying and being fully dependent on God, which I agree… but I also think God calls us to be active in our lives as well.

Some Christians depend on God to “bring the person to them.” They argue that the Bible teaches people should sit back and wait on God. Women in particular trust God enough to bring a husband to them. This is an entertaining thought to me. Wouldn’t it be nice if the man of my dreams came knocking on my door with red roses and Belgian chocolate waiting to take me on a romantic boat ride around Newport Harbor? That would be sweet! Unfortunately chances are, the only guy knocking on my door is the DHL guy, and I think he is married.

Dr. Henry Cloud is a psychologist who wrote How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Cloud tells us to look at dating not simply as a place to find a mate, but also a place to learn, grow, experience, and serve other people. At this point in my life, I feel like I have much to learn about myself, I still need to grow in multiple areas, experience life independently (not feel incomplete because I don’t have a significant other), and serve people around me. I highly recommend this book because it is an easy read, relevant, and also humorous. He is very insightful and presents multiple practical steps. I would be curious to hear if anyone actually follows his program. I just might.