A little more homey

For some reason, I have been more intentional about converting my apartment into a home. Whereas in the past, my apartment was simply a place for shelter until I move on to the next shelter – I have now decided to actually make it more “homey”.

I think a large part of it is that I have been staying home more.

This by no means indicate a lack of a social life – but rather, I have chosen to stay home than go out.

There have been many moments that I am tired, or upset and there was nothing more I wanted than to join the group for drinks – but I have chosen to actually stay home to process my thoughts and feelings.

I like to think this is part of growing up.

So with that – I have chosen to purchase more scented candles. I have put up draperies. I have placed throw pillows and a blanket on the sofa. I have put up matching wall décor, and put real food in the fridge. I also saw this powder thing that you sprinkle on the carpet before you vacuum and I thought it was a neat idea, so I purchased one. And I baked a pie – which made the whole apartment smell like pumpkin and cinnamon – not sure if I like the smell too much – but it sure made it smell like a real home.

"I've been busy"

I’m not as naïve as I once was.

I know what this really means.

“You are low on my priority list.”

I know because I also know when I was up higher.

I remember getting a call between sailing practices just to chat, while everyone else rested. I remember a call on his way from work and to a business dinner to catch up on our days. I recall him remembering when I had an important interview and calling immediately after it to ask how it went. I remember him leaving a family event because I needed to talk. I remember him calling right after an out-of-town tournament to tell me that he placed and wanted to celebrate. I remember him stepping out of Bible Study because I texted a question. I remember him repeatedly calling, apologetically because he was so tired and slept when he said he would call.

So when I don’t hear from him for a couple days – or weeks, because he says “I’ve been busy”, I know better. :-)

Aimlessness

It astounds me how I can be both really happy and really sad at the same time. My heart is full of joy, but also grief-stricken. And it all depends on me how I choose to present my heart to the world.

To those who are strangers to me – I do appear “merry” and “joyful” which attributes to my name. So I am very grateful to have really good friends and family with whom I can really be myself and share the sadness with.

Certain circumstances as of late have brought me back to seven years ago – when I first came to “really” know God. In the midst of despair, loneliness, and vulnerability, I found hope and also grace. I felt a sense of closeness with him that I otherwise abandon when things go my way. But lately, though many things have been going my way, there are also many that are not. And for some reason, the negatives take over my mind. And even in the midst of celebrating – they just come up. Some call it spiritual attack. I don’t oppose – though I tend to be more analytical and practical -- and not dwell on those. But the fact of the matter is, I am conflicted.

I like talking to others my age because I come to realize that I am not alone. Many are just as lost – if not even more so. I feel blessed to have many mentors, counselors, supportive friends, and family who can help me. There are many who seem to handle everything on their own because they have no one else. The nurturer in me desires to help – but I also know that they must first acknowledge their brokenness before I can even offer any sort of assistance. Unsolicited help is not wanted.

I think people my age seem to all want the same thing. It is interesting though to see how each one approaches those things. 25 is an interesting age. There are those who already have their PhD, law, and/or additional degrees. There are also those who went directly to work after highschool and are quite experienced and knowledgeable at work. And there are many who are just waiting for their big break. I am one of them.