Snow Day 08

Every Christmas, my family and I take a short trip up to Yosemite to play in the snow. There are very few perks to Fresno-living, and the drive up is definitely a highlight for me. I love seeing snow patches as we slowly drive up the hills, and then digging my UGG boots into fresh, powdery ice when we finally park. The view from the mountain is amazing and a good reminder of the Lord's goodness. The world looks so serene from the mountains. Best of all, I get to enjoy the scenery with those I love.

This year my parents were busy -- but in keeping with tradition, my big bro and lil'sis packed up the car and drove up.

Of course, we stopped at 7-11 to load up on chips, soda, and gas. This trip always makes us feel like little kids again. We joked about finishing our snacks before we even reached the foothills and how we gotta find more snacks before reaching the mountain.

Here are pictures from our trip.
Of course, my mother (once we got back and showed them pictures) teased that we took a visit at the local photo studio and stood in front of the backdrop. The pictures were so beautiful -- it was almost painted on. But we did. Too bad I didn't capture my brother running down the hills, or Jingle worrying about slipping on the snow.

Do you ever act dumb?

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A little more homey

For some reason, I have been more intentional about converting my apartment into a home. Whereas in the past, my apartment was simply a place for shelter until I move on to the next shelter – I have now decided to actually make it more “homey”.

I think a large part of it is that I have been staying home more.

This by no means indicate a lack of a social life – but rather, I have chosen to stay home than go out.

There have been many moments that I am tired, or upset and there was nothing more I wanted than to join the group for drinks – but I have chosen to actually stay home to process my thoughts and feelings.

I like to think this is part of growing up.

So with that – I have chosen to purchase more scented candles. I have put up draperies. I have placed throw pillows and a blanket on the sofa. I have put up matching wall décor, and put real food in the fridge. I also saw this powder thing that you sprinkle on the carpet before you vacuum and I thought it was a neat idea, so I purchased one. And I baked a pie – which made the whole apartment smell like pumpkin and cinnamon – not sure if I like the smell too much – but it sure made it smell like a real home.

"I've been busy"

I’m not as naïve as I once was.

I know what this really means.

“You are low on my priority list.”

I know because I also know when I was up higher.

I remember getting a call between sailing practices just to chat, while everyone else rested. I remember a call on his way from work and to a business dinner to catch up on our days. I recall him remembering when I had an important interview and calling immediately after it to ask how it went. I remember him leaving a family event because I needed to talk. I remember him calling right after an out-of-town tournament to tell me that he placed and wanted to celebrate. I remember him stepping out of Bible Study because I texted a question. I remember him repeatedly calling, apologetically because he was so tired and slept when he said he would call.

So when I don’t hear from him for a couple days – or weeks, because he says “I’ve been busy”, I know better. :-)

Aimlessness

It astounds me how I can be both really happy and really sad at the same time. My heart is full of joy, but also grief-stricken. And it all depends on me how I choose to present my heart to the world.

To those who are strangers to me – I do appear “merry” and “joyful” which attributes to my name. So I am very grateful to have really good friends and family with whom I can really be myself and share the sadness with.

Certain circumstances as of late have brought me back to seven years ago – when I first came to “really” know God. In the midst of despair, loneliness, and vulnerability, I found hope and also grace. I felt a sense of closeness with him that I otherwise abandon when things go my way. But lately, though many things have been going my way, there are also many that are not. And for some reason, the negatives take over my mind. And even in the midst of celebrating – they just come up. Some call it spiritual attack. I don’t oppose – though I tend to be more analytical and practical -- and not dwell on those. But the fact of the matter is, I am conflicted.

I like talking to others my age because I come to realize that I am not alone. Many are just as lost – if not even more so. I feel blessed to have many mentors, counselors, supportive friends, and family who can help me. There are many who seem to handle everything on their own because they have no one else. The nurturer in me desires to help – but I also know that they must first acknowledge their brokenness before I can even offer any sort of assistance. Unsolicited help is not wanted.

I think people my age seem to all want the same thing. It is interesting though to see how each one approaches those things. 25 is an interesting age. There are those who already have their PhD, law, and/or additional degrees. There are also those who went directly to work after highschool and are quite experienced and knowledgeable at work. And there are many who are just waiting for their big break. I am one of them.

Safe haven

I am generally a very busy person. At least that's what people tell me. I have to pencil in all lunches, dinners, get togethers, walks, talks, runs, and sometimes even my mealtimes -- or else I just forget.

My mind is constantly coming up with great new innovations, or ideas to make something I currently have -- better.

Sometimes I run into things that remind me of a person, and I either purchase it for them, or text/email letting them know they are on my mind.

I make sure to do my cardio and lift weights 5/6 times a week, call my parents everyday, wash my hair twice a day, and catch up with at least one friend each day.

I am constantly surrounded by people at my jobs (I have 3 -- 4 if you count the website). And I also purposely surround myself with people to energize me.

So when I get home -- I am tired.

And nothing beats my nice firm bed, fluffy down, and serene white sheets when I just want to be alone. I light all the candles in front of my vanity which reflects back onto the room -- iluminating it. The soothing music from my ipod playing comforts me. I lay down on my bed, grab my journal, and I just write out my thoughts. I love the freedom of writing out everything on my mind. It's my way of letting go...

Craving cookies

I got really upset at the grocery store this evening.

I was in the cookie aisle because I was craving shortbread cookies. I don’t normally crave cookies because I didn’t grow up eating them – so they bring me no major comfort. But today I wanted them.

But to my dismay, 2 regular sized cookies are 180 calories. Just two little rectangular shaped shortbread cookies. And if I crave something, I know I won’t settle for just two. I would willingly help myself to at least a couple more servings – which would amount to nearly 1,000 calories. Not good especially since today was my day off from the gym, and already ate out with friends.

So as I stood there, staring at the label of the beautifully packaged shortbread cookies, I got upset. How unfair is this? Why do they make cookies so freaking fatty?

And right there – in the middle of the cookie aisle, began the never ending thought process where I analyze everything in my life that brought me to my current predicament.

I am upset because the cookies I am craving are high in calories. I want cookies because that’s what girls munch on when they feel bad. I feel bad because someone I like doesn’t like me back. He doesn’t like me because… I don’t know… that’s why I was planning on going home to think about it – with the shortbead cookies.

But because of the potential high caloric intake of the cookies, I decided not to purchase them. And this throws off my whole plan of analyzing my life while eating cookies, because there won’t be any.

And now I’m back to square one... empty.

Our boys

I have had the privilege of teaching Tagalog to a group of Marines at Camp Pendleton. The experience has been surreal at first – seeing men in uniform every where I go… having to drive 15 mph and getting reprimanded by a senior officer when I drove 5 miles above the speed limit, having to go through checkpoint, and seeing ammunition and tanks just a few feet away.

The boys, I mean—men, are extremely bright, articulate, and also incredibly funny. Now they have basic understanding of the language, they are able to make jokes and be understood in my native tongue.

As I am getting more comfortable being around them, and they with me, I am learning more and more about the marine life I would have never encountered as a civilian. From getting a cool new glove to prevent callous hands when crawling on the ground, to the air-tight packed tortillas with enough calories to last them a day, they openly share about them.

I witness the respect they have for each other, but also the taunting when time permits. They look tough with their tattoos, calloused hands, firm built, and tan faces. Yet they appear young and vulnerable when asking about a language and culture they have yet to explore. A few look embarrassed when unable to pronounce or recall learned words.

One young marine emailed me a list of certain military commands he needed translated. My heart broke when I opened the document. The point of the language instruction became real. They are not going to the Philippines for a cup of tea and friendly chat.

They need to know commands, instructions, and warning. “Stop or I will shoot, put your weapons down, lie on your stomach, you are a prisoner.”

This is life or death. They need to know these words, either to say themselves, or to follow orders when they hear it.

Rejected!

Today I received my very first rejection letter for a reporter/anchor position and I feel great! Obviously, I’d be much happier if I had gotten the job, but for now I am simply glad to be acknowledged. I submitted my package over a month ago, so receiving a letter is giving me hope that my applications are being reviewed, my letters are being read, and my reels are being seen.

I have made it a point to send out at least one package a day. This is costing me so much money because some stations are still asking for VHS as opposed to DVD, and I must overnight all my packages to make sure they get it fast. I send out about 10-12 weekly. For now, I try not to think of the costs, and dreaming about the outcome. Like with anything else, you gotta pay the price for what you want. This is something I really want!

The waiting period has been fun. I have been thinking of my other talents and how I can best utilize them while waiting for my big break. I got a gig as an instructor for the marines in Camp Pendleton. This is kind of a big deal. The marines are great and I am truly impressed with everything I have seen so far. The guys are amazing, respectful, and extremely sharp. They are also young (my age) and have already seen and experienced so much.

I have also had time to reflect a lot. I made it a point to not accept an office from my sorority alumni group because I cannot make the one year commitment. I also decided not to be a BigSis because I wouldn’t want to leave a young girl halfway through the program and cause anymore attachment problems. My LifeGroup dispersed because I need to start the transition process. Now I wonder if those decisions were good. I have started to isolate myself—as I prepare myself for even more isolation (if I do end up moving).

I suppose this is definitely the time to turn to the Lord and ask for his plans, his sovereignty over my life. I must pray for wisdom and discernment. Not to act too fast too soon because I could be missing something grand happening in the moment. Who knows where I’ll end up. I fully trust that the Lord with provide.

The Juice

This morning I went on my first casting call in years! It was for a host for a new segment on KDOC featuring entertainment and celebrities. My good friend Bianca accompanied me for moral support. I was checking out the competition when we were parking. I was surprised to see all kinds of people, not necessarily the Orange County crowd I expected. They were tall, short, skinny, fat, old, and young. Some were dressed conservatively, while others were super trendy. One blonde girl had low energy colors, with glittery bright pink stilletos. Another girl was wearing a Hurley sweater with sneakers. Quite a few looked like fashion models, and others were simply the girl/boy next door in flipflops. Many looked very familiar, and as I started conversing with them, found out they have been in commercials and independent films. People were friendly, but you could also tell that they are there for business. When it came down to it, many were able to tune out the conversations as they rehearsed and rehearsed, and rehearsed their lines some more. I saw a couple get in line with their modeling portfolios and recent head shots.

The first round:
After checking in, signing some release forms, and confirming if there have been any changes on the script, we lined up for round 1. This consisted of going behind a black curtain to audition in front of a panel of 3 judges. You could see the silhouette of the person auditioning, and hear their narrations. You could also hear the judges mumble to one another before they take turns saying “yes- you move on to the next round,” or “no-don’t call us, we’ll call you.” It was horrifying to see the 10 people in front of me not advance to the next round. Person after person, they emerged from behind the curtain crestfallen, with another shattered dream. Then it was my turn.

The judges:
They were three women. The first, a redhead, was wearing a conservative business jacket over a white linen shirt. She had intense eyes that looked me up and down--really judging. The next judge, a blonde woman in her late twenties wearing a light-blue mock turtle neck top appeared pleasant and smiled a lot. The final judge looked friendly and exuded a lot of warmth. She was the one I wanted to like me. After introducing myself and handing them my paperwork, they told me find my mark and start when I was ready. I felt the room stop when I started speaking my lines. I heard my voice echo, and saw the all 3 judges smile. In the middle of the third paragraph, I saw the first judge hold her hand up, signaling me to stop. I thought, “this is it, another no-go.” But instead, they remained smiling, and took turns saying, “yes, yes, and yes”. Awesome! I was given a number to wear, and was instructed to move on to Round 2. The next four people behind me were sent home.

Round 2:
There were 5 others in the Round 2 area when I got there. Once again, the looks, ages, and styles varied. There is no telling what these judges were looking for. One by one we were sent through the double doors. This time, we were to perform in front of celebrity judges and a camera. The studio lights were bright. I was to talk to the camera, while the judges watched at a 45 degree angle. Once again, in the middle of the third paragraph, I was stopped. Lisa Tucker, an American Idol finalist, spoke. “Mary Joy, you sound like you are announcing. We want you to talk to your friends.” Okay. “Why don’t you tell us what you like to do around Orange County.” So I told them all about the fun things my friends and I do. Then they said that they liked me, and they like how I sounded. They told me to videotape myself talking, and to submit that for further review. So, I guess I get a second chance.

Thoughts:
I am in school to be a news broadcaster. I want to report important, thought-provoking, and vital information to the masses. Commenting on entertainment and celebrity is different from my long-term goal. Now I have a decision to make. Do I send in a tape?
Could a closed door be a sign that entertainment reporting isn’t for me? But I am given a second chance. Do I take it? Before leaving my apartment, Bianca prayed that the Lord would bless this endeavor if it is to further his work. Do I find integrity in reporting on American Idol contestants’ popularity rankings, celebs giving birth, and who looked good on the red carpet? Are those vital information for the masses, or am I simply gossiping… on a much larger scale and budget? Where do I find peace?