Aimlessness

It astounds me how I can be both really happy and really sad at the same time. My heart is full of joy, but also grief-stricken. And it all depends on me how I choose to present my heart to the world.

To those who are strangers to me – I do appear “merry” and “joyful” which attributes to my name. So I am very grateful to have really good friends and family with whom I can really be myself and share the sadness with.

Certain circumstances as of late have brought me back to seven years ago – when I first came to “really” know God. In the midst of despair, loneliness, and vulnerability, I found hope and also grace. I felt a sense of closeness with him that I otherwise abandon when things go my way. But lately, though many things have been going my way, there are also many that are not. And for some reason, the negatives take over my mind. And even in the midst of celebrating – they just come up. Some call it spiritual attack. I don’t oppose – though I tend to be more analytical and practical -- and not dwell on those. But the fact of the matter is, I am conflicted.

I like talking to others my age because I come to realize that I am not alone. Many are just as lost – if not even more so. I feel blessed to have many mentors, counselors, supportive friends, and family who can help me. There are many who seem to handle everything on their own because they have no one else. The nurturer in me desires to help – but I also know that they must first acknowledge their brokenness before I can even offer any sort of assistance. Unsolicited help is not wanted.

I think people my age seem to all want the same thing. It is interesting though to see how each one approaches those things. 25 is an interesting age. There are those who already have their PhD, law, and/or additional degrees. There are also those who went directly to work after highschool and are quite experienced and knowledgeable at work. And there are many who are just waiting for their big break. I am one of them.